Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
