Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
