so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
