So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
