she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
