Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Well I just put wine in my tea
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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