i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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