lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
