We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
