So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
