I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
It was like getting head from an anaconda
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
