These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
