My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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