Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
