Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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