i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
