I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
