Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
