My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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