dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
