if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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