You made me cry and you don't even care
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
