When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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