Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
