The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
