Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
