You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
How does one acquire holy water?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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