just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I have already put on my inside pants.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
