Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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