Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
