How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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