pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
