Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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