I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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