Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
