Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
