Got a toothbrush?
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize