I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
