I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
