i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
