you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
