Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
you would pick up someone in the library
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
