i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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