Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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