I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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