remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
