I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
