I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
