I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
