some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
