Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
