I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
