Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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