just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
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