so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
