I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
