He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
