I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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