how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
