and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
