you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
His hands were made for my vagina.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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