There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
