There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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