Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
