filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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